My advisor asks me, “why queer, not joto?” (May 2023)

 

And I don’t have an answer.

 

“Why queer, not joto?” A seemingly innocent question, loaded with so much history.

 

"Why queer, not joto?" And I'm transported back a decade, when I was asked, "is it Alfonzo or Alfonso?"

 

“Why queer, not joto?” because queer is what resonates.

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“Why queer, not joto?” because it never even dawned on me to use “joto.”

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“Why queer, not joto?” because Spanish is not my language. And I need to get comfortable saying that within the discipline of Chicana/o Studies.

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“Why queer, not joto?” because I speak, dream, think, in English. My subjectivity is formed in English.

 

“Why queer, not joto?” because queer and not joto isn’t a denial of my heritage, or my culture, or my ancestry. It’s an affirmation of my present reality.

 

“Why queer, not joto?” because my mom faced the violence that came with being a child in the 60s who only spoke Spanish at home and was forced to speak English at school

“Why queer, not joto?” because to protect my sister and myself, my mom decided that we weren’t going to speak Spanish in the household

“Why queer, not joto?” because even though I attempt to speak it sometimes, I get self conscious because I am aware of how it looks, for someone who looks like me to not speak Spanish

 

“Why queer, not joto?” because a year ago I wasn’t even queer, I was gay, and so queer is proof of the journey I’m on

 

“Why queer, not joto?” because that’s who I am today. (August 2023)

 

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?